


sometimes

by springhibiscus



Category: Persona 3
Genre: ....again, Angst, F/M, Ghosts, I make akihiko suffer (again), Not Beta Read, Past Relationships, Post-Game(s), Spoilers, We Die Like Men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 18:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18555745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/springhibiscus/pseuds/springhibiscus
Summary: Sometimes, the ghosts are there, and sometimes they aren't.But mostly they are, and Akihiko's learned how to deal with them.





	sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Me: I will not write more Akihiko angst. I will not write more Akihiko angst. I will NOT
> 
> Me: *writes this*
> 
> I keep telling myself, "write fluff for akiham!!!!!" or just good happy stuff for P3 becausd the cast DESERVES it, but my brain is stuck in sicko mode where Akihiko has to suffer a lot

* * *

Sometimes, out of the corner of his eye, Akihiko sees a ghost. A spirit, maybe. But whatever it is follows him, lingers everywhere he goes. He can feel it watching his every move as he spends his borrowed time, a future given to him by a girl too good for a world like this. And he feels the regret slowly choking him to death.

Sometimes the ghost is joined by another. Rarely he sees all three at once. The Fool, the Hierophant and Death stalk him with every step he takes. He is still as trapped by them as he was before he met _her._

Sometimes he remembers the fire. Remembers watching everything he knows go up in flames, burnt to ashes and scattered in his lungs so that he can't even hope to breathe properly anymore. And his sister is there, beside him, silent and unable to speak, with faint burn scars that he can try to ignore. Thinking about her sets his memories aflame. The past is a minefield, and yet he keeps coming back to it, as if testing his luck and trying to see when it'll finally blow up on him.

Sometimes he visits Shinji’s grave. It's nothing much, just a tombstone with the dates of birth and death to mark where Akihiko may find him again, buried several feet under the ground. Shinji’s final resting place is simple, as he would have liked it.

Sometimes when roaming the streets, Akihiko sees careless teens injecting themselves with who knows what and popping pills like candy and he feels Shinji’s ghost hovering, haunting him. Because it wasn't the bullets that killed him, it was those suppressants. And he'll have to keep watching as more stupid teenagers cut their lives short without thinking for a little bit of numbing fun.

Sometimes he comes back to the dorm. Just to visit Ken and Koromaru, of course, but when he climbs the stairs up to the fourth floor like a trip down memory lane, he wonders who lives in her room now. Who lives in his? Shinji’s? There is history in this dorm, and save Ken and Koromaru, none of the kids living here will ever know. They'll get to live here and live their lives without facing the kind of tragedy they had to, and Akihiko has to admit he's a little jealous.

Sometimes his memories turn into nightmares. Minako on the rooftop, the corners of her eyes crinkling as she smiles and says, _You're in love_ . But then the fire starts, sets the rooftop ablaze, and he's frozen in place. He watches as Minako flickers to Miki to Shinji and his bloodstained coat then back and back and back. The look in their eyes are the same, an almost empty, fixed stare aimed not at him but _through_ him, to some place behind him not on this plane.

He wakes up in a cold sweat with Minako, Miki and Shinji’s ghosts watching him struggle to sort fact from fiction when it should be so, _so,_ easy.

Sometimes the S.E.E.S. meet up. Not nearly often enough, but for about half a year they all consciously make an effort to gather for a coffee break, or for lunch once every month or so. The meetings go okay, most tension melts away soon enough. But sometimes there's a lull in the conversation, or Fuuka starts talking about a recipe she wants to try, and Akihiko _knows_ everyone can feel the gaps left by their missing members. Barely visible in his peripheral vision is Shinji and Minako looking on with a bit of longing in her eyes, but Akihiko doesn't point them out because it’s clear no one else can see them.

Sometimes Akihiko celebrates Christmas. Acknowledges it, more like, since it's not the same without Minako. And his own promise is repeated as a whisper in his ear, _I’ll get you something to put in it every year_ , Minako hovering at his shoulder. So he visits the jeweler and dusts off the music box, sets his offering inside, then closes it and lets it play it’s song once.

Sometimes Akihiko wants to forget. A cowardly thought, because he owes so much to Shinji and Minako. He should never forget them, and he knows it, but sometimes the pain of knowing threatens to cut his air off with the amount of guilt building up in his lungs. Miki is dead— he knows this. She's been dead for over ten years now, of course he knows, but still she follows him around, he can almost hear the _Big Bro_ escaping her lips if she weren't always silent. Shinji is dead— he knows they weren't able to stop both Takaya and his bullets or the bad effects of the suppressants in time. Minako is dead— he knows this because he watched her slip away from living while in his arms. The ghosts don't make things any better. Once, he wished to see them again, just once, for a little closure, maybe, but now he sees them all the time. They are more like chains weighing him down with the guilt they spread to him.

One day, he can't take it anymore. He snaps at them, _Leave me alone_ , but Minako and Shinji remain steadfast, expressionless like they didn't hear his words. Miki shivers at his coldness, but he can't help it. He needs to focus, and their staring makes a chill run down his spine. He tries to pick up the pencil again, finish his work, but he feels his insides freeze and he drops it again. It will have to wait.

One day, he makes the mistake of succumbing to their watchful gazes while taking a walk with Mitsuru. He slows to a halt, clutches his head as the memories start to burn through his mind again, and Mitsuru asks “Are you alright?”. It takes him a second to realize _Oh god, he did that in front of another person_ , and he shakes her off, muttering, “It’s nothing.”

Mitsuru emails him the business card of a psychiatrist the next day. The spirits watch disapprovingly as he deletes the email with shaky hands.

One day, Akihiko realizes the truth. It's not them, the ghosts, that are preventing him from living his life normally. It's him. He’s convinced himself he wants to let go, but he's the one keeping them around. They're not real, he knows this, he's known for a long time. Something about the ghosts is comforting in a way, perhaps because they've been around for so long. But it’s not good for him, or for the future he's so generously been given.

He takes one last look at the three of them, Miki with her short silver hair and bright eyes, Minako and her messy brown hair, with her hair clips carefully clipped into the side, and Shinji with his long coat and signature beanie.

He swears he sees Minako smile, gently this time, before he turns his back on his ghosts. This time for good.

**Author's Note:**

> notes:
> 
> "The Fool, the Hierophant, and Death stalk him with every step he takes."  
> The Fool is Minako, the Hierophant is Shinjiro, and Death is simply Miki. She's not actually in P3 so I can't really say what arcana she would be, but I figured... death is death. 
> 
> Also, I only ever refer to Shinjiro as Shinji in this. Not really a conscious choice I made, it just feels better since this is written in Akihiko's POV.
> 
> Finally, I don't really think the ending is good/makes sense but at this point I'm a little too sleep deprived to check it over again. (ㅍ△ㅍ)
> 
> thank you for reading!


End file.
